I have had past life experiences. I remember, vividly, being a Lakota medicine woman. My grandfather was a Shaman. My husband a warrior, but he was never bloodthirsty like the white people. There was a horrible massacre and everyone that I loved was killed. I remember being a russian beggar girl, freezing in the snow, selling myself to a pedophile so I could buy me and my sister bread. I remember dying, ascending to a light and seeing my "Momma" and "Poppa" from that lifetime. I felt an incredible love as I have never experienced before. I have no fear of death now. These memories were so real, I physically reacted to them as if they had happened in this life.
ugh. I think I'm sick. My voice was on the point of going the other day, but it wasn't hurting. Last night it was clearing up, and I drank rum & coke for New Years (woot woot!). It's not as exciting as it sounds cuz we were over at my mother in law's house with just us, his mom, and his 11 year old brother. But we still had fun.
I think I might have screamed or something, but now my throat hurts like a bitch, and I have a fever. I'm downing throat coat tea like it's hot chocolate, and I'm really cold because it's pouring outside and we can't turn on the heater because my dad is charging us. He's such a dick. He only called me from Sacremento (from his girlfriend's sister's house) because it was Christmas. During the same call (on Christmas Day), he informed me that I still owe him $60 and to put it in his damn computer so he can have it when he comes back (from Sacremento he went to Vegas for NYE, but I haven't heard from him all fucking week).
My vagina's still fucked up. Some damn infection that isn't going away, I'm gonna need to fork over the money to get tested. Oh yeah, I got suspended from Robinson's May because I was marking the items down, and now I owe the fucking company $400. I haven't been able to talk to Janice, my only cool friend from work, because I think they fired her about 15 minutes before they suspended me. I'm just worried about her because she started cutting herself again recently, and she's super cool and I want to hang out with her more often- but I can't do that if she's in a bloody mess in the hospital, now can I? Wow, that came out wrong. But I'm just kinda pissed that shit's going down right now, and I'm sick to top it off.
I think, because I can't talk right now, I'm typing all that I can't say...
... sometimes if you say it, and you hear your own voice...
... you have to acknowledge
There's something wrong
I always feel like this whenever sabbats come around. I don't really practice witchcraft at home, I'm not wiccan (like the majority of witches my age are), but I really feel this strong desire to celebrate the sabbats with like minded people. I attended a Lunasagh get-together last year, and made corn dollies, sang songs, and invoked a circle. It was really fun. My only problem is, I kinda got people pissed at me ( my "sort of" coven... a girl was gettting married and I was in a new relationship, and he didn't really know much about witchcraft back then. He does now! He even has his own altar. Anyways, I sorta blew off her handfasting 2 weeks before she jumped the broom. I feel horrible). They sometimes attend meetings at the unitarian church that lets us pagans use their space. I really just want to celebrate Yule, or Samhain. Not Christmas and Halloween. Those holidays are just bullshit without meaning, no actual spiritual connection to the Earth, the Sun, and the Moon. I just miss not being able to celebrate with people who call it "Jesus' Birthday". Puh-lease. Just look at Jesus' personaity- he's obviously not a Capricorn! ;)
Last time, a couple months ago, I thought I might be pregnant over a tit that had milk come out of it... hormonal changes, that's all. But now... I'm over a week late on my period. I took a crappy pregnancy test from the $1 store, and it came up negative... but where is my period? I know I need an ept test, but I can't really afford it (I don't get my check until 2 weeks from now, and the move took EVERY PENNY WE HAD. moving sucks.) But this time... it seems like it could be real this time. I get weird food cravings (garlic especially), crazy mood swings, my body looks like it's changing, I'm tired all the time, and I don't have a period! I don't want to be dissapointed like last time, but really... what if this time it's real?
So, I guess we'll be moving back to LA... hopefully just for a little bit. I really don't like the vibe of L.A... Tai said we'll live somewhere in Ventura County, like Camarillo or something, but I'm not going to take that as the "Truth". *sigh* Portland sucks. A bunch of shady ass people who are looking for any way possible to make some money. Every city has that undertone, but it seems like this place is just white trash central- $20 dollars for 1 pill of "Ecstacy"... when the pill litterally had more meth than anything else! I swear to god it was homemade... the outside was friggen food coloring! There are no ghettos... just a large portion of the city called "Felony Flats"... where the most felonies are handed out because of the amount of meth labs in one area.
Even a state senator was recently busted for crystal meth possesion! A fuckin senator. I totally want to move, now I know why Portland blows and everyone said "why do you want to move there? So, I guess (for now) it's back to the City of Angels for us...
He proposed over a bean, rice, and tomato burrito! Too bad we'll be engaged for like... 4 years... but I prefer it like that. I like being able to call him my "fiancee" rather than just "boyfriend"... it gives our relationship depth...
I think it's so funny when guys see a "beautiful" person and get all tounge-tied. At the library today, a man saw me, walked over, and started stammering..."uh, uh, uh... Oh my god- you're so beautiful!" After saying thank you he was still standing there with his jaw to the floor, still stammering ("uhm, uh, uh...") I said "I have a boyfriend, but thank you very much" He's all "Uh, uhm oh yeah, me too... but you're so beautiful!"
I get the butterflies around a cute guy, but I never started to literally stammer. It was like he wanted to talk to me, but he just couldn't find the words to say anything.
lol, boys are so silly sometimes...
"A human being is a part of the whole called by us "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."